Searches for but cannot locate snake. After snake is caught by the local police, FBI forms a Snake Task Force of 150 agents, sets up a command center, holds press conference and assumes credit for capture of [a] snake.
2. USSS (Secret Service):
Forms a protective ring of agents around snake and escorts to a safe area.
Sends SRT team to arrest snake; they expend all of their ammo, then burn the forest down killing the snake and other local fauna. At a Congressional inquiry makes a presentation on why additional funding is required to properly train agents how to battle the threat of snakes.
Abides by Congressional ruling to prevent "profiling" of venomous snakes, which requires "random" snake inspections. Venomous snake escapes while TSA officials strip-search non-venomous species.
Performs an in-depth investigation of the snake and writes a 100-page summary of why the snake should not be prosecuted. The investigation is closed and all agents are out of the office by 4:30 pm.
After obtaining permission from the BPA, CBP, FBI, FPS, IRS, FINCEN, DEA, ATF, FAMS, FEMA, and the Girl Scouts of America, they mail the snake a notice to appear on a specified date for a status hearing. Snake never responds and is promptly forgotten.
Initiates a Title 3 and an MLAT investigation on the snakes cell phone after discovering that the above agencies have begun an investigation on the snake. Spends $3M to discover the snake is not Colombian.
Declines prosecution out of "professional courtesy."
9. USBP (Border Patrol)